Review of Noah

I went to see the movie “Noah” on 4-5-2014 and these are a few of my notes. I found that this is nothing but an environmentalist sci-fi production clothed in Biblical garb. I went thinking that I would probably see something unbiblical every once in a while like in most Biblical movies. But, the opposite was true. There was only a grain of truth once ever so often while everything else was absolutely gross error. I am listing below some of my observations. These are the most obvious but there were a number of others which were in error according to the Biblical account.

1. There are things called the “Watchers”. These are angels sent in the beginning to help man. When they failed to keep man from polluting the world, they were punished by being turned into stone. They didn’t like people because of what they had done to God’s world but they found they liked Noah because God had told him to get ready for the flood. They protected Noah and his family from Tubal-Cain and his army of people who were wanting to set up a world for humans in which they would rule. This idea was totally opposite from what the Watchers and Noah wanted. The movie has a very heavy environmentalist theme with all sorts of overtones.
2. The Watchers not only protected Noah and his but they helped them build the ark. The Watchers look like huge “transformer” machines made from rocks of lava. They are something one would expect to see in a “sci-fi” movie.
3. One day, Shem picked a flower and Noah told him not to do that because “the creator” had placed it there and it should not be disturbed. Immediately another flower appears out of the ground and blooms all as if by magic. That somehow tells Noah that Methuselah is alive. Noah seeks out Methuselah and finds him in a cave. In the flower picking scene, there is a commotion and three men are chasing a dog which is covered with scales. Strange looking creature. They have wounded the dog-like creature and it is dying. Noah kills the men and then holds a ceremony at which time he cremates the dog.
4. Noah and Methuselah talk in the aforementioned cave and Methuselah gives him some sort of magic potion under which influence Noah has a vision of the flood. Methuselah gives Noah an original seed from the Garden of Eden. It is later used to bring forth vegetation and a forest.
5. The Watchers, as told by one of them, were created on the second day of creation, ultimately falling in the disrepute with God and thereby being turned into stone. They hated men because of what they had done to the world.
6. At this point, there was no forest or trees around so water magically spurts up from the ground in a scene. Little tributaries of the water drain out over the land and vegetation including trees sprout up immediately from the original seed given to Noah. Noah’s wife says….”What is this”, and he tells her, “This is our ark” speaking of the trees in the forest. This was done so he would have wood to construct the ark.
7. As the animals start coming to the ark….before it is finished….the birds are first. Noah and his wife concoct a magic potion which puts all the birds to sleep as they breathe the smoke from the potion. Later on the snakes come…put to sleep. Then the animals come and they are put to sleep and all sleep for the duration of the flood.
8. Tubal Cain and his army show up and decide they will take over the ark. The Watchers help fight them and they are destroyed when the fountains of the deep suddenly begin spurting up in great towers of water. The rain also begins about the same time.
9. Tubal Cain somehow gets on the ark with the help of Ham who is mad with Noah because the girl he wanted was killed by the stampeding army of Tubal Cain and Noah would not take the time to help her up from where she had fallen after stepping in something like a bear trap. Ham had met her somewhere in a mass grave. Tubal Cain has some kind of hand-held cannon which shoots some mysterious little fireball. Noah barely makes it inside the ark because of the fighting with Tubal-Cain’s army. During the battle at the boarding of the ark, the Watchers were being killed by Tubal Cain’s army. As they were killed they were forgiven and “redeemed.” They ascended into heaven again after so long a time. A shaft of light came down and they then ascended. Noah did not know Tubal Cain was hidden on the ark.
10. Methuselah died in the flood. The flood was to protect the innocent…the animal world.
11. Shem’s “wife” had been wounded as a little girl in an attack on her people. She could not have children and therefore didn’t want to marry Shem. Methuselah healed her, blessed her and she later had twins on the ark. She is the adopted daughter of Noah and his wife.
12. There are only 6 people on the ark instead of the Biblical eight. The Bible clearly says that Noah, his wife and their sons and their wives were on the ark.
13. Noah’s wife mixes a potion which tells Shem’s wife that she is pregnant. The twins born to Shem’s wife made the number of people on the ark to be eight. Totally unbiblical.
14. Shem and his wife plot to leave the ark because Noah was going to kill their children when they were born. He thought that all men were going to die and the world would be restored to its innocence with only animals and no people to destroy it. He later recants and does not kill the children.
15. Tubal Cain (in hiding on the ark) enlists Ham to kill Noah. Ham was upset because of the death of the girl previously mentioned and was going to rebel against his father and kill him. Noah and Tubal Cain fight on the ark and Ham kills Tubal Cain after a change of heart.
16. During the fight between Noah and Tubal Cain, the ark suddenly runs aground. This is before the doves were sent out.

Other thoughts… The clothes were not period clothes. They looked like denim crudely sown together. The men and women wore pants and boots of some sort. They also wore jackets and shirts which looked much like what people wore in the 1700’s The women looked like they had on skinny jeans. The clothing looked dirty and oily. They looked like clothes one would see in a movie set in the dirty back streets of Paris in the 1700s. Grimy movie. People always dirty…very dirty.

Somehow, Noah gets a haircut which resembles a military cut. It is buzzed off very evenly all over his head. I wonder if they had hair cutting clippers then? Anything is possible with this movie!

When the snake…satan…is shown, he sheds his skin which somehow has magical powers at various times. The snake skin makes several appearances during the movie. Noah wraps this skin around his arm and uses it to bless the children born to Shem and his wife. When he touches the children to bless them, they glow in the spot where they are touched.

The atheist director of this movie said they had made the most unbiblical movie ever. That is absolutely true because God is never mentioned. The characters in the movie always refer to the Creator but when doing so they never used the word "God". The director told the truth when he said this. My observation is that if one is going to use a Biblical person and if they are going to relate a Biblical story, then they should use the Bible as it is. Just think how the world would react if a Hollywood director took Macbeth and rewrote it while inserting “Hollywood” drama and storyline into Shakespeare’s masterpiece. There would be a hue and cry all over the world. My concern is that many secular people, who may be drawn to such a “biblical” movie will leave the theater thinking that much of it is absolutely true and Biblical. They will be led astray by this farce of a movie. No matter how much they might be exposed to the preaching of the true Gospel in the future, preachers will have a hard time convincing them that they are telling them the truth and that Hollywood told them many, many lies. People had rather believe a lie than the truth. This movie does nothing but lead people astray and the responsible people will have to answer for it some day.

Bill Harrell
4-5-2014